But it's funny. It doesn't burn or eat at him, drive him further into insanity or make him want to kill him, as it would have if they were having this affair without the world ending. Oh, sure, it scares the hell out of him to think he's in love, but it's solid and calming rather than burning blindly. Their love doesn't have to scream louder than the hunger, because his lust to kill is easier to silence on his own now, so it's more ... something familiar. Like slipping into a warm bath. Or settling in front of a fireplace in the middle of winter. It's a point of comfort.
For as calming as Mohinder is for him, though, there's a little sour part in his heart that won't let Mohinder go now because he's his. If he has to kidnap the guy to keep him? Fine. If he has to murder everyone else? He'd do that, too. If he had to kill Mohinder, just to preserve his memory, to keep what he considers his? He'd feel sorry for doing it, in the same way Chandra is one of the two people he's ever felt guilty for killing, but he'd do it. Anything not to have to lose him, because he's unsure as to what he'd do if he did.
That dumbfounds him a little, I think. Here's a man with a plan, who's spent his entire life alone. Who's had people walk in and out of his life, and he didn't really care, and then here's Suresh. He doesn't understand why he panicks when he thinks of losing him. He should just be able to bounce back, if and when that happens. But even thinking about it to gauge his reaction, so I can be honest here? He's like, "Ohgodohgodohgod." It's like that fic I wrote, as companion to yours. Suresh goes and that's it. He's hinging everything on him, and all because the man can look past the killer without judging. Without insisting he needs to be saved. All because the man can give him a second chance.
And I think that's part of why he won't tell him he loves him. Yes, it's there, but he's so afraid that if he says something, Mohinder will laugh in his face, and be like, "Yeah. You were the guy that killed my father. You think this is anything other than me wanting someone to shag? You fail." Even if Mohinder were to say it first, the words would catch in his throat, because there's always that chance. There's always the fear that if he does, Mohinder will turn around and tell him that he said it just to make him say it back, so he could have a laugh. Or that Mohinder won't believe he's being sincere. Or any number of things, really. And he can't have that. He can't be denied like that again, because he went crazy the first time, and he has no where else to go, if it happens again.
So he tries to let him know in other ways. Showing him parts of himself he wouldn't dare dust off for anyone else. The roughness with him, when they go at it, so that Mohinder knows that he belongs to him. Letting Mohinder have those dominant moments, to show that he trusts him, and letting him be just as rough back, so Mohinder can mark his territory in return. Words have never been his strong point, so he opts for physicality. That's a language he speaks.
In other news. Sylar also thinks Suresh is brilliant. Man has a great mind, and he adores that. Mohinder is his equal, both intellectually as well as otherwise, and that's not an honor he's ever bestowed upon anyone else. Nor will he ever. Everyone else is an insect, compared to him, but Suresh? Mohinder's something more. A puzzle he can't solve and doesn't want to because, for once, the mystery is half the fun.
And since I seem to be leaving quotes at the end of these for some reason? The one you get is, "My heart will break before I cry. I will go mad," from the end of Haunted by Poe. That's wandering out into the snow to die, after you've lost the other half of yourself. Even if it was just an AU fic.
ASverse.
But it's funny. It doesn't burn or eat at him, drive him further into insanity or make him want to kill him, as it would have if they were having this affair without the world ending. Oh, sure, it scares the hell out of him to think he's in love, but it's solid and calming rather than burning blindly. Their love doesn't have to scream louder than the hunger, because his lust to kill is easier to silence on his own now, so it's more ... something familiar. Like slipping into a warm bath. Or settling in front of a fireplace in the middle of winter. It's a point of comfort.
For as calming as Mohinder is for him, though, there's a little sour part in his heart that won't let Mohinder go now because he's his. If he has to kidnap the guy to keep him? Fine. If he has to murder everyone else? He'd do that, too. If he had to kill Mohinder, just to preserve his memory, to keep what he considers his? He'd feel sorry for doing it, in the same way Chandra is one of the two people he's ever felt guilty for killing, but he'd do it. Anything not to have to lose him, because he's unsure as to what he'd do if he did.
That dumbfounds him a little, I think. Here's a man with a plan, who's spent his entire life alone. Who's had people walk in and out of his life, and he didn't really care, and then here's Suresh. He doesn't understand why he panicks when he thinks of losing him. He should just be able to bounce back, if and when that happens. But even thinking about it to gauge his reaction, so I can be honest here? He's like, "Ohgodohgodohgod." It's like that fic I wrote, as companion to yours. Suresh goes and that's it. He's hinging everything on him, and all because the man can look past the killer without judging. Without insisting he needs to be saved. All because the man can give him a second chance.
And I think that's part of why he won't tell him he loves him. Yes, it's there, but he's so afraid that if he says something, Mohinder will laugh in his face, and be like, "Yeah. You were the guy that killed my father. You think this is anything other than me wanting someone to shag? You fail." Even if Mohinder were to say it first, the words would catch in his throat, because there's always that chance. There's always the fear that if he does, Mohinder will turn around and tell him that he said it just to make him say it back, so he could have a laugh. Or that Mohinder won't believe he's being sincere. Or any number of things, really. And he can't have that. He can't be denied like that again, because he went crazy the first time, and he has no where else to go, if it happens again.
So he tries to let him know in other ways. Showing him parts of himself he wouldn't dare dust off for anyone else. The roughness with him, when they go at it, so that Mohinder knows that he belongs to him. Letting Mohinder have those dominant moments, to show that he trusts him, and letting him be just as rough back, so Mohinder can mark his territory in return. Words have never been his strong point, so he opts for physicality. That's a language he speaks.
In other news. Sylar also thinks Suresh is brilliant. Man has a great mind, and he adores that. Mohinder is his equal, both intellectually as well as otherwise, and that's not an honor he's ever bestowed upon anyone else. Nor will he ever. Everyone else is an insect, compared to him, but Suresh? Mohinder's something more. A puzzle he can't solve and doesn't want to because, for once, the mystery is half the fun.
And since I seem to be leaving quotes at the end of these for some reason? The one you get is, "My heart will break before I cry. I will go mad," from the end of Haunted by Poe. That's wandering out into the snow to die, after you've lost the other half of yourself. Even if it was just an AU fic.