(no subject)
Jan. 26th, 2009 04:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
heroslayerEverything he does is wrong. He's realizing that, now.
Maybe it's the after-effects of whatever that thing did to him the night before talking. Maybe it's the fact that since then, he's felt like he's needed to be touching someone, close to living, human things, so that he doesn't feel like a glass ornament that's been smashed and then glued back together wrong. Maybe it's any number of things. He can't say for sure, because he honestly doesn't know for once, but whatever it is, it's opened his eyes.
No matter what he does, it's wrong.
He wasn't good enough for Chandra. He walked out.
He killed Brian Davis, trying desperately to be something he wasn't to win his attention back, to show that he could be better. Chandra left again and he killed him in the long run, just because he couldn't handle the rejection.
For nearly two years, he put anything that so much as looked at him funny out of its misery. He wanted to be special. Feared. Respected. Held in awe. All it managed to earn him was a list of enemies that he could wrap around the borough of Queens and two near death experiences.
He tried being the good guy, doing the right thing. He thought, for once, he'd gotten it right, but he hadn't. Hasn't. He practically lied to Mohinder, keeping Knox's death from him, for so long. Nakamura still hates him, even though he's not sure why it seems so important that he doesn't. He makes family functions awkward. He's breaking Claire, bit by bit, even though he's trying so hard to keep her whole. She's just crumbling in his hands and he can't stop it. Just like he can't stop Mohinder from becoming something darker. Just like everything he touches.
Even his telepathy couldn't help Baileigh, and he can almost feel Sark's faith in him, in the idea that he can make them invulnerable, slipping away.
He says the wrong thing to her, in her happy moment, asking after him when he already knows the answer. He tells himself that he can't help it, concerned about his friends. He's not sure if it's true or a simple, selfish excuse.
Cowardice keeps him from finding his real mother. Cowardice and guilt, the latter for a woman he thought was his blood, who he killed by accident.
He hasn't called Peter to see if he's alright. He could be better, he could be worse, but he's afraid to, because he doesn't want to compound the issue. He doesn't want to make things worse, making his brother worry after him, because he knows Peter will. And he knows Peter will worry anyway, even if he doesn't.
It's a rock and a hard place; it's the way he lives his life.
Everything he does is wrong, and he hates it. For the first time in a long time, he hates himself.
It's just another thing to add to his ever-growing list of wrongs.
Muse: Gabriel Gray (Sylar)
Fandom: Heroes
Word Count: 500
Maybe it's the after-effects of whatever that thing did to him the night before talking. Maybe it's the fact that since then, he's felt like he's needed to be touching someone, close to living, human things, so that he doesn't feel like a glass ornament that's been smashed and then glued back together wrong. Maybe it's any number of things. He can't say for sure, because he honestly doesn't know for once, but whatever it is, it's opened his eyes.
No matter what he does, it's wrong.
He wasn't good enough for Chandra. He walked out.
He killed Brian Davis, trying desperately to be something he wasn't to win his attention back, to show that he could be better. Chandra left again and he killed him in the long run, just because he couldn't handle the rejection.
For nearly two years, he put anything that so much as looked at him funny out of its misery. He wanted to be special. Feared. Respected. Held in awe. All it managed to earn him was a list of enemies that he could wrap around the borough of Queens and two near death experiences.
He tried being the good guy, doing the right thing. He thought, for once, he'd gotten it right, but he hadn't. Hasn't. He practically lied to Mohinder, keeping Knox's death from him, for so long. Nakamura still hates him, even though he's not sure why it seems so important that he doesn't. He makes family functions awkward. He's breaking Claire, bit by bit, even though he's trying so hard to keep her whole. She's just crumbling in his hands and he can't stop it. Just like he can't stop Mohinder from becoming something darker. Just like everything he touches.
Even his telepathy couldn't help Baileigh, and he can almost feel Sark's faith in him, in the idea that he can make them invulnerable, slipping away.
He says the wrong thing to her, in her happy moment, asking after him when he already knows the answer. He tells himself that he can't help it, concerned about his friends. He's not sure if it's true or a simple, selfish excuse.
Cowardice keeps him from finding his real mother. Cowardice and guilt, the latter for a woman he thought was his blood, who he killed by accident.
He hasn't called Peter to see if he's alright. He could be better, he could be worse, but he's afraid to, because he doesn't want to compound the issue. He doesn't want to make things worse, making his brother worry after him, because he knows Peter will. And he knows Peter will worry anyway, even if he doesn't.
It's a rock and a hard place; it's the way he lives his life.
Everything he does is wrong, and he hates it. For the first time in a long time, he hates himself.
It's just another thing to add to his ever-growing list of wrongs.
Muse: Gabriel Gray (Sylar)
Fandom: Heroes
Word Count: 500
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-01-27 12:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-27 01:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-27 01:40 am (UTC)Peter & him were really, really dumb, going after that thing, you know. Both of them telepaths and empaths going after something that attacks minds. Silly boys.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-27 01:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-27 02:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-27 02:35 am (UTC)Sylar's pretty much the same, as you probably noticed. */report on the obvious* And he doesn't do physical contact well, so ... yeah. Not easy for him.
You should write though!
no subject
Date: 2009-01-27 05:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-27 11:45 pm (UTC)